And we'll all float on alright.

I'm nineteen, scatterbrained, and a stubborn little shit.

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numbing limbs
grinding teeth
mind confused
& trying to choose
which drug to listen to

chemicals don’t stand a fucking chance;
your monotonous voice always wins

sarah—-tonin:

I just wanted to love you loudly.
I didn’t want to whisper sweet nothings like the romance novels always brag about
I wanted to hold you and scream
Nothing in particular

I just wanted you to notice the extent of it all and be more than okay with it
I just wanted you to scream with me too

sarah—-tonin:

Lonely and a little more,
Thinking lots bout all you taught me,
Trying to make a mental list of it.
Wouldn’t be surprised if the flowers around me smelled of cigarettes by now.

The thing that keeps sticking out to me the most though is that you reminded me of the fact that when everyone’s always going on about how the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, the moon is moving that way too.

awwwwwwwwshit asked: I really like the "my strange addictions" you wrote that was dope

Thanks!!!!!

"Angry, and half in love with you, and tremendously sorry, I turned away.”

This is the state of mind you put me in.
You place me
Not even delicately
Here on this table with your regrets and overwhelming love for other women:
Here I am baby
How do you like it?
I already know
Sadly and somewhat not
How you do.
You’ll hate me when you learn more about me
You’ll think about me in a disgusting way
And I’ll think of you lovingly
And weirdly
Because our relationship is nothing like I’ve ever experienced before.

I’m going to leave now
I’m going to check on your whereabouts
But I’m scared
Because you yell at me
When I’m not where you originally
placed me.
I’m going to put my clothes on
And walk to a place where I can check up on you
Where the music isn’t blasting
Where my reflection isn’t seen
Where you hate my writing
where I hate you for it
Where you never have even thought about me at all.

And I’ll stand there
And wait
Waiting for you to tell me to stop
To tell me things I hate
But I listen anyway because I love you for all your complexities
And then apparently
I’m going to turn away.

I didn’t want to
I never have wanted to
Want want want
Wanting wanting wanting
You to touch me
To feel me
To feel who I am-
This concrete being
This concrete state
I’ve stuck myself in.
You don’t see it.
You don’t see me.
Or do you?
Please baby,
Please tell me you do.

We were smoking a spliff on the beach talking about the sound of the sky and laughing at the sense we didn’t make.
You’re always pointing out my mistakes
But I don’t mind
Because I always wish you were here
Swimming around our decorated fish bowl
Talking about our fears and constellations.

I lucid dreamt about you
While you regular dreamt about me,
And we woke up tripping on thoughts so lovely we couldn’t speak of them, Couldn’t even open our mouths at all.

Bite marks cover our arms and legs and hearts
And you growl at the sight of them.
A dedicated song here,
An unsmoked cigarette there,
You walk through the streets of our conjoined mind
While I follow like a little lost puppy,
When all you want
is your black cat back.

We fooled around but never kissed.
It was a rule of yours,
Kissing was extra special.
You would linger above me
Around me,
Ask me if I wanted you to fuck me,
And of course I did.

Then we stood in your kitchen
Days later
And you wrapped your hand
Round the back of my neck
And told me not to be afraid.
We kissed,
I felt high,
It didn’t happen again until last night.
“Come on, come on, it’s okay.”

It was so, so much more than that.

"When you fall in love you’re never really quite the same person afterwards."

your insides become coated with the sound of his voice,
your skin grows cold faster and easier without his hands
gripping and grabbing at you
like you’re some creature he wants to catch.

your favorite movies change,
you wince when someone else calls you
by the nickname he carefully picked out for you.
it gets a lot harder to talk about what you’re feeling.
you drink alone more,
usually liquor or the occasional bottle of wine.

your body starts to hate you,
your mind even more.
you can’t sleep at night 
you can’t get up in the morning
you can’t bring yourself to give back the clothes you took
because it means losing his smell.

you walk around blindly looking for his features in faces so foreign it freaks you out. you walk around blindly looking for someone new to hold. you walk around blindly looking for where you last left your heart. you walk around blindly, head spinning from the heat and hair frizzing from the humidity.

Bruised again
By you and your masochism
And how you show it
To both my body and mind.
“I came here to ask you just one question,
did you fuck him more than once?”
The look on your face,
It was too much for me.
I was in my goddamn underwear drinking gin,
4 AM yet again.


More talk,
Awkward phrasing on both parts
When we tried to put in to words
Just what we’ve been drinking about all month.
“Didn’t you notice I hadn’t come over in a while? Didn’t you want…”
Pause.
Exhales smoke.
“I don’t know how to finish that sentence.”

"Well that’s all I wanted to know,
I’ll see you later,” you tried
And failed
Very miserably
Since I was thrown on to the bed not a minute later.

"I can’t stay, Sarah."
I rolled on top of you
Kissed the bite marks on your shoulder
Held you down,
Looked at you the only way I know how.
“Stay.”

You left three hours later.